As I sit here and weep for all the women who came before me, I find myself needing to write this post. Let me be clear…I do not weep for their loss (although there are so many wonderful women we could use on the planet right now). I weep in gratitude for their tenacity and courage. I weep because I can hear them whisper in my ear. I don’t know if I am strong enough to stand up like some of them did. But I come from good, strong stock so maybe I could. I know I have written a bit about my mom and my gramma but since they are the stories I know, they are the ones I can rely on (and yes, it’s very possible the stories I know about them are not true, but I know that they are the stories they told me and so became part of who I am).
In the middle of the Great Depression, my Gramma got an STD for the second time. She was NOT one to fool around so she surmised that it was her husband bringing them home and decided she was done being married to that man. They had 3 small children. Her parents told her she could not go home to them because she was choosing not to stay with her husband. The divorce lawyer told her she would be unable to ask for child support or alimony because she was choosing to leave. So she divorced that man and raised 3 children on her own. She started her own little cleaning business and worked at night so she could be there for her kids. It was hard and there was fallout, but she did it.
My Mom got married in the ’50s. She had been in the Air Force and was made to leave because the rules at that time disallowed married women from serving. The thinking was that a married woman had a house to run and therefor couldn’t also work. So here is something interesting…that is what I recall her saying but I did find that it was 1948 when married women were allowed to serve BUT it was discouraged and pregnant women could not serve. So maybe I am remembering wrong…but you get the idea. Anyway, Mom got married and I believe pregnant shortly thereafter. She left the Air Force and moved in with her new husband. Shortly after their wedding, he hit her. I don’t know the extent of the incident but as I understand it, it only happened once. My Mom said “Fuck that” and left him. She had my brother and 3 other kids over time. She mostly sorta raised 3 of us. It wasn’t pretty but I always admired her for not staying in that relationship even though she no longer had a job. It was hard and there was fallout, but she did it.
I too raised my son on my own. Knowing what I knew about my matriarchs, I always kind of knew that I wasn’t going to put up with any bullshit and was likely going to end up raising any kid(s) with out any help. Luckily, I did have help. I had my Mom, my Gramma and my sister. They showed me the way, they showed me I could do this and they were my release valve when it got too tough. Most of my jobs were jobs that historically had been male dominated. I was a mechanic for a minute, I did tech support and am still in the tech field. I have cut fire lines in the forest and done a myriad of other jobs that were predominately female. So I can ride both sides of the line.
Off topic for a moment: In my 20s, I was hanging out with a group of folks that today might be called “traditional.” The gals were talking about how the only reason to go to school is so they can educate their children…but the point of a woman is to get married and be a housewife and mom. Let’s be clear, I don’t have an issue with that. I know some fabulous women who made that choice and are as happy as anyone else. But with this group of folks that I was talking with, I said something like, “I am going to school so I can have a great career and not be dependent on a man. I want to fall in love and get married but I don’t want to need him.” The response that I got was basically that I must be a lesbian because only lesbians don’t need men. It was not the last time I was called a lesbian because I am independent. I am not a lesbian (see earlier posts if you want proof 😉
I know there are millions of women doing what the women in my family did…trying to standing up for ourselves and sometimes succeeding enough. Even when we fail, I think the fact that we tried, we succeeded.
There are also all the other women who brought us here. The Suffragettes, leaders like Catherine the Great, women of medicine and science that forced the system to look and say we have something to add. I think of how hard it had to be for some of them. They had to have had so much personal fallout: A society that shamed them and punished for wanting to be more/different than the norm at the time.
We still have a lot of work to do. All this freedom has created its own new set of hardships but we keep going. When I sit and think of all those women who came before me and stood up quietly or loudly for themselves and for other women, well that gives me more courage! Some still, small part of me connects to them and gives me peace and strength. I can feel them. I can hear them whisper “You are not alone and you will be OK.”
And for them, I am deeply grateful.
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