Trigger warning: This post contains discussions of suicide and other tender things. This is also going to be a bit long…consider yourself warned 😉
I spent my 16th birthday in a mental hospital for trying to kill myself. It was not the first time. It was not the last time. Since I am writing this, you can assume all attempts failed. That being said, my first attempt was at the fragile age of 13 and my last attempt was at 24: That last attempt was actually a series of attempts that all failed and left me feeling more alone than I had ever felt – I failed at life and couldn’t even succeed in killing myself. In between those years, I tried it so many times, I lost count. Some attempts were for attention. Some were quiet and dedicated.
What I can tell you was that every attempt was me unable to go on as things were and I could not see any other way out. In those moments, my feelings and circumstances always felt permanent. I’ve heard it said that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. When suicidal, the problem at hand never felt temporary.
I was born sensitive. I have big feelings…for the good or the bad. I love deeply, I have moments of intense joy and I am sometimes paralyzed by grief or fear. I think I wrote about it in another post (and don’t feel like finding which one) but I know I have always been sensitive because I remember crying as a young child (sometimes in public) and the adults in my family getting embarrassed and saying (as if it were a bad thing), “Oh she’s fine, she’s just sensitive.” I believe it is that sensitivity (and no training on how to handle it) that ultimately made me alcoholic and also suicidal.
Let me stop here and assure you that I am not suicidal today and have not seriously contemplated suicide for many many years.
I am convinced that my suicidal ideation and my alcoholism are closely linked. That sensitivity that is in me made me incapable of handling life exactly as it’s presented. I often lack the knowledge or tools for handing even the simplest adversity some times. I look at the world, and others seem to have received and understood the rule book, and I never even got a copy. Because of my big feelings, I drank. Alcohol and drugs damped my big feelings. It solved the problem for a long time. Sometimes however, alcohol made it worse. Sometimes because I would do things drunk/loaded that intensified my feelings of guilt and unworthiness. Sometimes, it simply did not dampen as expected and actually made my rollercoaster of feelings worse.
So in all my attempts to get off the planet, probably about half of them were me just sitting around with big, troublesome feelings: usually deep loneliness, shame, quilt and feeling unloved and unlovable and like there was no way to get better – one who is so fucked up could never get better. Other times, I would start to drink/use to make the feelings go away and the failure of the alcohol/drugs to do their job made me want out even more.
In an attempt to summarize, I’m going to skip some things but I really want it said that there are some things I think are true that came out of my multiple attempts to leave the planet:
- No one could talk me out of it. The only reason I am still alive (baring divine intervention) is that very attempt either failed or enough time passed that the thing I thought was worth dying over lost the weight it held even moments or hours before.
- Even though it’s been over 35 years since my last attempt, until this week I could not see how me offing myself (or even attempting it) might effect other people. I remember people trying to talk me out of it and they would say things like, “Don’t be so selfish,” or “Don’t you get how this will effect (insert loved one’s name).” And my response was always some flavor of, “I don’t matter and they don’t really love me so it doesn’t matter.” I could not see how my attempts were hurting others. And I definitely couldn’t imaging anyone grieving me.
- There were also times that I used it as a weapon and I just recently learned how harmful that is to the recipient. Even if I didn’t die, me making them part of my chaos was so unfair. I am not a good enough writer to express here the deep sadness and guilt I feel for pulling others into my morass of self pity…but at the time, I didn’t see it as such and really was just grasping at anything that might look like love to me.
But this week, I get to see my past so clearly…too clearly. Earlier this week, a dear friend’s partner killed himself. First he got drunk and was an asshole (boy can I relate) and then, based on the things he said to her in the hours before he died, reminds me so much of the things I used to say to my “loved ones.” Jeezus! I was so selfish. I do believe we should be able to die if we want but to pull others into this is crazy.
Today I am filled with sadness and anger. Mostly I’m sad. I’m so sad for that man. Having felt what he felt in those last moments just wrecks me. I know the loneliness and guilt and shame that comes that convinces us that out is the only way. I saw him the day before he took his life and I wish I’d seen where he was at. Maybe I could have offered him a hand. Maybe not.
I’m also angry. I’m angry at what he did to my friend. I’m watching the weight she is carrying and it’s not hers to carry. And I have no magic words to make it better for her. I trust her process but I want to smack him in the face for bringing her into this. And I want to smack the twenty-something me who did the same thing…over and over. The only saving grace is that I didn’t succeed so those folks aren’t walking around with my last words rolling around in their head.
I started writing this because I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it and I’d hoped that writing it out would take some of the weight off (since I no longer use drugs/alcohol to dampen hard feelings). As of this moment, they are as big as ever. Maybe I just need to feel them. Be angry. Be sad. Don’t harm anyone in the process.
Tell the truth. Trust god.
If alcohol is an issue for you and you’d like help, find a local treatment center or reach out to AA: https://www.aa.org/
If life feels to big right now and you want off but want to give us livings one more chance, please reach out for help. Call 988.
RIP all the sensitive folks who left this world suffering.
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