Claiming My Voice: From the darkness, the light emerges.

Yesterday I was talking with some friends and we were talking about how there is a place shortly before making actual changes that most of us want the consequences of our behavior to change but we don’t actually want to change. For example, most addicts want to stop going to jail, most alcholics want to stop throwing up and peeing themselves etc but they don’t want to stop using or drinking. I know, I’m those things and I know plenty of other folks who are too. But this also holds true if one is eating too much cake and now has diabetes, or the person who feels lonely but can’t negotiate real relationships due to our trauma or drama.

From the outside, it’s easy to look in and say, “Just stop that thing that is causing you pain.” It’s easy to look at the obese man on the bus next to you and think he should just exercise more and stop shoving food in his face. Or to look at the addict living on the street and prostituting herself and think, “She would be so much happier and have such a better life if she’d just stop using.” But the truth is, change is hard. When we are practicing a thing that once helped and is now causing pain, it’s hard to see that is now the thing causing pain. Even once we do, it’s challenging to see what needs changing and having the gumption to actually DO the work to change. Many folks are aware of the Serenity Prayer. One of my favorites parts of that is “the courage to change the things I can.” Whoever came up with that clearly understood the difficulty in actual change.

This next statement is NOT an indictment of Western or Eastern Medicine. It’s mostly an indictment on myself (or maybe all of us who want the easy fix).

Yesterday I saw my PCP and she told me that my cholesterol is up again and my kidney function is down, and she suggested eating less red meat, drinking more water and exercising more. Easy, right? While sitting with her I thought about just going on GLPs and then I’d have a medical aid to making these changes. Then today I saw my Acupuncturist and told her what the doc had said and she did some points to support my health in these things. As I lay there letting the needles to their thing, I was meditating and asked my Higher Self and my Higher Power what I needed to do to support my health. The thought came to me that I want the easy way out and that is supported by both Western and Eastern medicine in many cases. Instead of them just telling me to eat better, drink more water etc and then I do it, I want them to fix me with meds and points so I don’t have to suffer the pains of change. But if I truly want to get healthier and stay that way, I have to DO something different. I have to do a few things different.

Aside from the medical stuff, I’m also trying to show up for my new romantic relationship differently than I have in the past. Fuck it’s hard. I have very strong voices in my head that tell me I’m right or that I shouldn’t have to put up with bullshit. Just because I don’t agree with a thing doesn’t make it bullshit. And even if it is, most bullshit doesn’t matter and if I want to have a different experience, I have to show up differently. It’s hard to do that when the ruts of my old beliefs and behaviors are so well worn. The part of me that doesn’t want to do the work to change just wants him to change or to have reality be different than it is. That is simply not reasonable. I am the only one who can change my thoughts and behaviors (well, with some help from my Higher Power).

Frankly, as already stated, sometimes I don’t want to change. I want life to change around me and to my standards. Changing a lifetime of habits, whether they be how I eat, how I show up for my relationships or exercising, change is hard. Sometimes it feels like these habits are so deeply engrained that changing them is like changing the course of an ocean liner…and it feels like it if I don’t, I’m going to crash. But the fact is, like the Titanic, if I don’t change course, I’m definitely going down.

So here I am…one more time…making the commitment to change.

Today I will chose water instead of coffee (mostly). I will tell the truth when I’m frightened, and listen to my partner for what he is saying and not what I’m hearing. I will not snack late at night. I will eat moderately and stuff that is mostly healthy.

It’s ok if it’s incremental and it’s OK if sometimes I revert momentarily. I want a better life so I’m the one who has to make the changes. I’m so grateful to have the community I have that will support me as I change…and I get to support those who also want to change and have a better life.

This life can be aa grand adventure! Join me, won’t you?!