Claiming My Voice: From the darkness, the light emerges.

I know, I know…this topic has been done and by much better writers than me but today I need to write it.

I was raised by two very independent women. My Gramma raised 3 kids by herself during The Depression and my Mom raised the 3 of us by herself. And let’s be clear, Gramma never took aid from her ex or the state. Mom only took from the state when things got really desperate. They both worked and cooked and cleaned and showed me that we didn’t need a man to live full, successful lives. While my older brother was in the house, there were no adult men to speak of. So I learned how to be an independent woman.

I was also born in a time where women were claiming their independence and it was popular for women to be able to “bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan.” My heroes were the heroines in the comic books, like Wonder Woman: Strong, smart, independent. In my early 20s, I remember disallowing men to open doors for me and I often would offer to pay my share of dinner or the movies on dates. No man was going to own me by doing for me what I could do for myself! I reflected once that I had overshot the mark and moved from independence to anti-dependance.

Then I got pregnant. Because my Gramma, my Mom and my Sister had all raised kids on their own and seemed to be doing ok, I figured I could do it alone. OK…Actually, I what is was was that I knew that my only lessons about parenting had come from these women and I was destined to raise my kid alone. I didn’t want to necessarily. I just knew I could and figured it was the way of things in my family.

I recall days when my son was growing up thinking, ‘this would be so much easier if there were someone else here: someone to help so I didn’t have to do it all. Just because I can do it all, doesn’t mean I like it or that I’m good at it.’ I decided the best reason for a kid to have 2 parents (regardless of gender or the make-up of the couple), is that I think every kid needs someone who nurtures them – makes them feel loved even when they make mistakes. But they also need someone who holds them accountable. I watched my son’s confusion as I tried to be both. I went crazy some days trying to do both. It’s not easy to say, “I love you and you are grounded” and have the child not feel unloved due to the punishment. But we did it. I’m a little crazier for it and I know he is too.

That Gramma of mine who divorced her husband in the middle of The Depression and then raised her kids on her own used to tell me that I needed a man. She would say things that were 180° than the way she lived. I remember I started dating this guy in my 20s and I was telling her about him and she said something to the effect of “Now remember, men need to feel needed so make sure you let him know you need him.” I tried. I really did. I thought I needed them emotionally and clung to some of them too tight. But ultimately, I knew I didn’t need them to live my life. I never needed a guy to open the jar of pickles for me or reach the high shelf or help me buy my home. I was always capable of those. I also thought that meant I could open my own car door and pay for my own meal, thank you very much!

Yes, I raised my kid by myself (with some help from family and those fellows on the ship) and I paid my own rent then bought my own house. I can fix most things in my house with my own ingenuity and pay others to fix stuff if needed. But it’s been lonely and hard (and I think this is what Gramma was referring to – I think she was trying to save me from a life that was lonely and hard). I am grateful for the life I’ve lived (and especially my kid) but might do things differently if I had to do it over.

Since I can’t go back and do things differently, I’m trying to do things differently now. Sure, I still own my own home and am content with my life but I have started dating again and I am treating him differently than any of those in my past because I want this to be different. I’m acting different and that includes silly things like letting him open the door for me and it turns out, it charms the shit outa me when he offers his hand to help me up if we’ve been sitting on the ground. I do insist on equal spending 😉 We’ve talked about what it means to need another human, and we both understand that the needs we are sharing are to be there when the other needs someone to talk to, that we need people who help us grow and that what we need is not always measurable or visible. I’m allowing myself to let him be a gentleman and really liking it. Being treated like a lady feeds something in my feminine soul. Sometimes it even turns me on! Who woulda thought?!

It turns out that none of my independence is lost by letting a man do gentlemanly things. He and God have broken my anti-dependance. Now I’m working on being independent and inter-dependent. What a wonderful adventure!

Thanks again chatgpt for the image