Claiming My Voice: From the darkness, the light emerges.

There is a time right before a alcoholic or drug addict gets sober/clean where they want the consequences of their addiction to stop but they want to keep drinking/using with the old pleasure they once had. Sometimes this period can go on for years while the person tries varied ways to keep doing what they are doing without any harmful outcomes. Unfortunately, this attempt at control usually causes more and more disastrous results. It’s this stage their loved ones might see how earnestly they say they want to quit, only to be baffled that they continue drinking/using.

While I have been sober and clean for some time, it does not mean that I’m all better and I don’t have issues. Last year I got some news back from my doctor that was the beginnings of trouble…not quite trouble yet, but if I didn’t do something different, there would be consequences. That coupled with my dissatisfaction with my weight, I decided that I’d got on a strict program of calorie counting and exercise. Of course I slipped here and there but I was doing pretty good. Then I had my surgery and doubled the weight loss in just a week. Imagine how pleased I was! Easy Peasy! So my addict mind said I didn’t have to try as hard to lose the weight (which translated to I got to start eating my favorite foods again – calories or not, some of these are just plain bad for me).

-Let’s also be clear here…as a recovering alcoholic and drug addict, I want the easy way. It’s part of the disease. So yes, periodically I day dream about going back on the meds that I was taking during my recovery from surgery. I have been sober and clean long enough to recognize the addict voice. That, along with my Higher Power, means that those thoughts are short lived and I see them for the lunacy they are.

A few months ago, I started to get serious again and admitted to myself that I have an eating disorder. I’ve always kind of known it but the thought was easily pushed aside by my food addict. I started hanging out with others with similar issues and loved that they talked about balance and not abstinence. The thought of abstaining from some foods puts me in a tail spin which only makes me want to eat more crap. Incapable of practicing balance, I have gained a bit of the weight back.

One day a couple weeks ago was particularly hard. I KNEW I needed to do something different but really didn’t want to. I wanted to eat everything I want to eat (even if its unhealthy), and I want to be magically different than the rest of the human race and not have health issues or gain weight. I was formulating all the ways of working around the problem instead of dealing with it head-on. I cried a few tears that morning: Tears of frustration because I know enough from my alcohol and drug recovery what surrender could/should look like and I couldn’t get there. Maybe if I could just stay delusional about it, everything would be OK but I know too much, and it is that knowing and seeing my own stubbornness that was really getting to me.

So later that morning, I’m walking the dog. From about a half block up the street, I can hear a toddler screaming….like really screaming. You know that toddler-not-getting-their-way scream? As I approached the yard the toddler is in, I can vaguely hear mom saying something but can’t really make it out. To this the toddler replies, “I <SOB> DON’T <SOB> WANT <SOB> TO <SOB> BREATH <SOB> DEEPLY!” My response? “Me neither, sister…Me neither.” And I realized that I had been treating this food thing just like that. Part of me willfully wanted to keep fighting and didn’t like the input from the world that would actually make me feel better.

I’d like to say that epiphany changed my whole outlook. It didn’t. What it did was to help me see myself and my behavior. With that knowledge, I can come at this a bit differently – hopefully more healthily. There is something about breaking through the denial and delusion that brings me closer to healing. I have a bit more hope these days. And I have that little girl’s voice in my head that shows up know and again when I am being willful. It’s useful. She helps remind me and for that I am grateful.

Note: Thanks ChatGPT for the perfect image 🙂