Claiming My Voice: From the darkness, the light emerges.

I believe my soul knows all things.

It is this body, this mind, this ego that keeps me stuck. They want me to believe that we an control pain and in the attempt to control pain, they actually create more pain. My soul knows it has a job to do. It even knows what the job is. It tries to talk to this meat suit but its messages are fettered by the clamoring of the mind and the body.

In recovery, we talk about a ‘still small voice’. Depending on who you are talking to, they might refer to that voice as God, the Higher Self or the Conscience (as well as other terms like ‘our soul’). For the sake of this post, we are going to call it god or my soul. In no way am I professing to know exactly what that is but I know it when I hear it. Sometimes it’s loud and clear and sometimes it’s just a feeling. In the moments when it is loud and clear, it makes decision making SO easy. I know the voice and it has never steered me wrong. Sure, it has led me to take steps that were deeply painful but later…sometimes years later…I can look back and see the gift the message produced. Let me give you a couple examples:

Back in the ’90s, I was saving up to move to Lane County, OR. I had done the math and the homework and knew how much I needed to get me started. I reached the dollar amount but hesitated; unsure of the move to a town I was unfamiliar with. One day on my way to work, that voice spoke to me for the first time in that way. I was in my truck and as if the voice were on the phone or the radio I heard, “It’s time to go.” I knew it meant it was time for me to do the footwork and get myself and my son moved. Within about 6 weeks we were moved into our new place. All that money I had saved was quickly gone, and I couldn’t find a job that paid the childcare and the rent. I reached out to that voice and asked what I was supposed to do now. I had followed it’s dictates and I felt like I was left hanging. I applied for low income housing and was told there would be no places available for at least 2 years. As I sat one night contemplating next steps (which included the possibility of needing to go to the mission with my then 4 year old son), a thought came to me: No matter where I end up, it will be exactly what it is supposed to be. It wasn’t that voice. It was just a thought and a conviction. The next day I got a call from one of the housing projects saying they had an apartment for us if I still needed it. Of course we did! I asked how 2 years had turned into 2 weeks and they said everyone on the list ahead of us no longer needed a place. Now, I don’t know why things happened the way they did but this all cemented my belief that if I follow that voice, everything will be OK.

Another time, I was unhappy at work. I had been happy at that company for 12 years but the last year was hard. I kept asking the voice what I should do and the message I got multiple times was “quit.” But my earthly mind kept countering the voice with, “It is foolish to quit such a great job without a plan or another job.” So I kept praying and asking for guidance and it kept telling me to quit, and I kept telling it why that was a bad idea. One day, I just couldn’t not listen to it any more and quit my job. Days after I gave my notice, there were huge changes and it solidified my decision. So near the beginning of Summer that year, I was a free agent and the plan was to spend most days soul searching. I would say I was “finding my bliss.” I really believed that I was going to spend this time discovering who I really was and what I really wanted. Apparently what I really wanted was to get back into a relationship with an old boyfriend because that is what I gave my time to for the next 6 months…The 6 months I had financially planned for to support me while I found my bliss. When I didn’t find my bliss and that relationship blew up, I would often talk to the voice and ask it why it had me do this. I talked to friends and they all said basically the same thing. They all said some version of “You had to see where it went.” But I resented quitting that high paying job where I was appreciated AND I didn’t find my bliss. It took a few years but I finally learned that I needed that time off to navigate that relationship. I needed to have that relationship because I learned things living that relationship that I had spent years meditating on and doing work on, and the meditation and work that I had done had not solved any of my angst. Living in that relationship gave me new perspectives I couldn’t have dreamt of! Everything turned out OK and I was a better person because of the time spent with that man.

So now I feel like I am at a crossroads again. I have been talking to my soul a bunch…god if you will…and I have also been talking to the dead (yeah, I do that too). I am asking for clarity. A couple weeks ago, I asked It what this man needs…the one I am starting a relationship with, and the voice said “Just love him.” I responded with something like “But I’m scared.” What did It have to say? As always, “It will be OK.” Today as I lay meditating, I was asking It to remove some fear I was having, about this new relationship and it responded with, “But what if your fear is part of his healing? Who are you to say fear has no place in the human experience?” Well, shit! One more time, the voice offers me exactly what I need to remember: No matter what, everything will be OK.

As always, I find myself trying to solve all my problems by thinking I can control outcomes and that attempt at control actually is the thing that increases the pain. Our brains and bodys can help us with all sorts of great things on this planet but ultimately it is our soul that knows the plan…the big picture if you will. This poor meat suit is temporary and this brain is limited. Today I am choosing to trust…I will trust my soul to lead me where I need to be to be of maximum service to the greater good, knowing everything will be OK.

again…thanks chatgpt for the image