Claiming My Voice: From the darkness, the light emerges.

The moss was cool under her bare feet. Her eyes scanned the forest floor for the leaves of that very specific plant she sought.

These were her favorite days… The hottest days of August when the air smelled of baked forest… When then shade of the dense forest canopy kept her cool and the slightest breeze brushed the hairs on her skin gently.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw something flitting nearby and turned to see a crow land on a rotting stump. It cocked his head and she was sure it had something to say. ”Good morning” she said cheerfully “you have something for me?” And clearly in response, the crow hopped off the stump toward a little clearing to the right.

Eloise went to where the crow was and smiled. “Thank you!” she exclaimed. There was the plant she was looking for: The plant that would allow her to open the door to the other world. As she gently dug the plant up, root and all, the crow flew off with an obnoxious “CAW”. Eloise cupped the plant in her hand and walked to the cave her grandmother had showed her years ago. She loved her little private space. It was cool in the Summer and stayed warm enough in the Winter.

It was time.

The cave was full of this and that: Items Eloise and her ancestors had accumulated over the years including one little cranny that held her favorites things. This area had items her mother had given her. Some of these had been her grandmother’s too. She had found a pretty little kerchief with shiny beads on it and used it as a backdrop for the little altar. Certain times of the year, the sun would peek in through the cracks in the cave and light up the trinkets. Her favorite was her grandmothers blue ring. Mom had always said that it was probably a junk store find but Eloise loved the way the blue sparkled in the light. When she put it on, she swore she could feel her grandmother…and her grandmother…and her grandmother. If she listed carefully, she could hear them whispering to her. Encouraging her. Loving her.

Today, she put on her Gramma’s ring and carefully picked off a few of the leaves and put the rest in a little pot: She’d plant it nearer the cave later. She mulled the leaves of her precious find. As she ground the soft greenness, she did a little prayer; asking that she be shown her next step. She had been considering her next career path. She felt untethered and lonely. Did she want a man? Did she like her job? She asked her gods and her ancestors how she could best serve her brothers and sisters and the planet they all shared. Once the leaves were the right size and texture, she put them in the beautiful glass jar she had filled with water that morning from the spring. Even when water is not hot, leaves and water will still make tea…it just takes longer. So she put the jar on her little alter and left. She’d come back for it tomorrow.

…

The next morning she excitedly trudged to her private place. Expectant to what the day and her tea had to offer. She entered the cave and it was alight with sparkles. The sun was peeking through the largest of the holes near the entrance and was bouncing all over the shiny objects she and her ancestors had collected here. She loved these moments. They made her believe in magic and endless possibilities.

She filled a glass with the tea that had been sitting through the night and grabbed her favorite book. Just outside the cave was a little comfy spot made of soft moss and was the perfect place to get cozy on a warm Summer morning. She nestled in and started in on the tea and her book.

After a bit, she fell into that place between awake and asleep. She saw old friends. She saw cats and dogs she had once loved. She saw Mother Earth as a thing of Earth and Human and Animal. She woke to the sound of her Gramma’s voice. She looked around but couldn’t see her grandmother. Then she her the sharp “CAW!” just above her and tilted her head up, and found the crow from yesterday perched on a stone just above the entrance to the cave. “Oh, you again” she said. And the crow responded noisily as if to say “Yep!” She bent to grab her glass of tea only to find it empty. Apparently she had finished it off before drifting off.

The crow made a strange little clicking sound and took flight. It landed not far away and stared at her. She understood that it wanted her to follow. So she started walking in its direction. Every time she got close to it, it flitted a bit farther into the forest and she obediently followed. As she walked, she kept thinking of Gramma’s voice as it woke her. What had she said? Something about love. She considered the word “love.” She thought of all the definitions she could think of and all the different ways people love. She pondered not just the different kinds of love like the way a parent loves their child or how friends love one another, but what it looks like when she loved someone. The more she thought about it, the more she decided that when she loved someone, she spent time with them. Oh sure, sometimes there were gifts involved, sometimes favors, but mostly it meant time to her. To love someone meant that we make time for them and listen to them and be with them for all the good stuff and the hard stuff and a lot of the mundane stuff.

Her reverie was broken by her new friend’s loud voice and she stopped short. She had wondered towards a little creek and was inches away from stepping into it accidentally. Thank goodness the crow got her attention before she stepped into the clear water. While she didn’t mind getting her feet wet, that creek was down the mountain from some pretty icy glaciers and the water was known to be quite chilly.

She took the opportunity to cup her hands and sip a bit of the cool water. When she looked up, the crow was just on the other side of the creek shaking violently as if it were trying to free itself from something. Feathers were ruffled and flying this way and that. As she watched, the crow started to change form. Within moments, the crow was no longer across the creek from her but had miraculously turned into her grandmother.

Eloise squealed with happiness and hopped the small creek. She wrapped her arms around her grandmother and took a deep breath. She had always loved the way her Gramma smelled. Sometimes like baking: cookies or bread. Sometimes she smelled clean like soap and lavender. No matter what she smelled like, Gramma smelled like home and Eloise let herself drink in the aroma and comfort that was her grandma.

They sank to the ground together, giggling and hugging. Once Eloise had seemed to calm a bit, Gramma took her hand and cooed softly. She told Eloise that she had been with her always, and was aware of the great happiness’s Eloise had seen and the struggles she had endured. They talked of that last boy who had left for Seattle for work and how Eloise missed him. They talked about the new kitten Eloise had brought home. Gramma warned her that the food she was feeding the kitten was upsetting its stomach and suggested something better suited to kittens. Eloise got suddenly serious and looked Gramma in the eyes. “Gramma, but that isn’t why I called you here…I need some of your wisdom.” Her grandma sighed and leaned back onto her elbows. “I know,” Gramma said. “But, Love, I cannot give you the answers you are looking for. This is your path and ultimately, you know deep down inside what is yours to do. I think you also know that there are truly no mistakes. Each thing that looks hard or bad has lessons. We even learn from the good things. So why don’t you sit in your quiet and contemplate why you have done some of the things you have, and how you feel about it all. With time, you will get clarity and the right answers will come. When they come, you will not be able to push them away.” Eloise nodded and laid down next to her grandma and snuggled in close. She knew Gramma was right. Somewhere inside her were all the answers. She could feel Truth knocking just outside her conscious mind like a woodpecker knocking on bark to get to the good stuff inside.

Without realizing it, Eloise had drifted off. The warmth of the day, the softness of her grandma, the sweetness of her scent and the mullings of Eloise’s mind were the perfect recipe for an afternoon nap. But when she awoke, she was just outside the cave; no longer by the creek. The day had turned into twilight, and the forest was teeming with the sounds of birds and bugs and the pending night. As she sat up, she saw the crow off in the distance. The crow looked at her directly, nodded and flew off in the other direction. For a brief moment, Eloise felt her eyes fill with tears and her heart swell. She swallowed hard and stood up. She put her glass and book back in the cave and started for home. As she walked, she considered what her grandma had said and what her heart was telling her. She could feel the Truth welling up in her and could feel the answers forming.

When she got home, she called that boy in Seattle just to tell him she missed him and they had a great talk filled with laughter and just just a couple of tears.

The next morning, she meandered back to the cave. She took her little plant, found it the perfect spot near the cave and planted it. She gave it plenty of water to make sure it made it through the dryness of the last days of Summer.

Back home, she packed a bag and got in the car. She knew she was done here for now and had a plan. She was going to that place she had always dreamed of and she knew when she got there, she’d find the work she’d love and the community she craved. She trusted her instincts (and her ancestors). She knew everything would be OK. She also knew she’d be back…after all this was home.