Claiming My Voice: From the darkness, the light emerges.

A while back, like maybe 16 or 17 years ago, I was at work and a co-worker was talking to me about his life and asking for my advice. Part way through the conversation, I asked him why he was asking for my advice. I couldn’t conceive of why he would want any of my thoughts. His response was “because you are my moral compass.” I was shocked! Me? The girl who has been arrested more than once. The girl that sold drugs to pay for her own habit (and failed miserably because I kept dipping into my own product). Me?! The one who has cheated on her boyfriend and got men to cheat on their wives? Inconceivable! He told me that it was my honesty about my past and willingness to be better that made him admire me.

Not too long after that, I was dating a married man. Now, in my defense, we never slept together but not for lack of trying. When I told a dear friend of mine that I had been spending time with this guy, she looked at me incredulously and said, “What am I supposed to do with this?! You are my moral compass!” Again, I was shocked. Again someone was calling me their “moral compass” and I just couldn’t conceive of it.

I so often can’t see past who I was to see who I am now.

Today a friend called because she needed an ear because she’s going through something hard and needed to talk out some fears. After a bit, I texted her telling her how honored I am that she trusts me and her response was that I am “one of the most sound minded people” she knows. Again, I am flabbergasted! Me?! On any given day, I feel a wee bit insane and definitely not quality enough to be called “sound minded.”

But the truth is, we are all a wee bit insane at least some of the time. I don’t know why I struggle to give myself the same grace I am so quickly willing to give others. I perceive so clearly other’s human shortcomings and am willing to try to see where they are coming from (OK…not everyone and not all the time…but mostly). But me?! No. I hold myself to some unrealistic standard and struggle to let go of who I used to be. I just can’t seem to see my growth or the goodness in me sometimes.

This week I was talking to a friend about this…This idea that I am not who I used to be and that holding onto the guilt and shame serves no purpose today. She asked what I thought I needed to do to see my present self more clearly. Honestly, I don’t always know. But I do know that having others trust me and then trying to see myself through their eyes helps. Me looking at me sometimes just results in morbid reflection.

I am struck by the words of Robert Burns’ ‘To a Louse‘, as I often am in times where I want to see myself more clearly: (roughly translated) “Oh, would some Power the gift to give us, To see ourselves as others see us!”

Grateful I am not who I used to be. Grateful for that Power and those people who helped me become someone better. Grateful for those folks who see me as I am and not who I was.