Claiming My Voice: From the darkness, the light emerges.

One of my favorite quips is “I’m a unique snowflake…just like everyone else.” Let me explain.

I was about 12 or 13 (I’m assuming this age based on I was new to the terror of teenagedom and the fear of what others thought of me). My mom and my sister grabbed me for some errand and I think I was still in my pajamas and my hair was a mess. Basically, I recall knowing I was in no shape to be out…but here we were…going out. We drove to a nearby city. I was hiding in the back seat and peeping out the windows like a crack head; Paranoid that someone I would know would see me in my not-for-pubic-consumption state.

We ran the errand, they got back in the car and we started for home. It occurred to me that I was not near home and I calmed down and stopped hiding. I figured that since I was not near home, the likelihood that I saw someone I knew was pretty minimal. The adults noticed that I had stopped hiding and asked what was going on. I shared that I had been scared that I’d see someone I knew looking like I did. Then I shared my theory that since we were not near home, that wasn’t very likely. One of them then pointed out that if I was in this other city, that it meant that it was possible that someone I knew was too. This planted a see in me about uniqueness vs commonality.

Fast forward some indeterminate amount of time…Somewhere in my teenage years I developed the belief that God hated me…no one else…just me. At first I wasn’t sure God existed and then once I was convinced It did, I new It didn’t like me. I knew that my sins were worse than everyone else’s and God made me faulty and, I don’t know…maybe felt guilty for It’s work. Even after I joined a 12 step program and had a powerful spiritual experience, I was able to surrender to a Higher Power but secretly still believed that It hated me. My life got better, some of those broken parts of me got less extreme but still…God hated me. I would hear people talk about a “loving God” and I would cringe…some mix of sadness and anger that I would never know that love.

Recently-ish I started letting the local Mormon elders come and visit sometimes. They are the sweetest people. After a year or so, I asked if I could switch over to the Sisters…I wanted female perspective as I still had the old believe and didn’t feel like I was getting anywhere with the Elders. These 3 amazing women came for some visits and we talked about God and love and all sorts of stuff. One day I was sharing about how I had this core fear/belief that God hated me. One of them so calmly and matter-of-factly implied that I was not special enough to be the only person in this history of all mankind that God might hate. She did not imply, in any way, that it was arrogant to think I was so special but it is exactly the way that I heard it.

That conversation in the car when I was young and this idea that I might not be so special somehow converged and for the first time in a few decades I was able to entertain the idea that God might not hate me: That maybe I am just a human among humans and all humans have flaws and guilt and my sins are no worse than any other’s.

I’m not sure what IT is but I no longer walk around feeling hated by It. I can’t say I feel God’s love but this is progress. I’m very grateful for all the lessons I’ve been given and for the ability to be wrong.

If this or any of my stories touch you or help you feel less alone, please share them. If you know someone you think any of my stories might help, send them a link. I share all of this in hopes that it helps others who may have felt the same…and may feel alone in that. We are not alone: We are never the only one with an experience or feeling.

Go snowflakes!