Claiming My Voice: From the darkness, the light emerges.

Spring is upon us. I can feel it. She is here. Sure, I could point out that the weather is getting warmer or that the daffodils are blooming but more than those, I can feel it.

When I was a kid, I distinctly recall waking up some mornings and knowing the bad weather was gone. There was something in the air. I could feel it before I even opened my eyes. I would lay in bed and just feel. Something about those moments made me feel so safe and connected to my family and some part of me was touching joy.

Maybe I didn’t know it, but maybe something in me heard the birds and they knew Spring was here, and maybe I understood them. Maybe I was aware of the flowers blooming but wasn’t conscious of it. Maybe my skin is just uber sensitive and I can feel Spring. I think it’s that last one.

My first memories of this sensation is when I was about 11 or 12 and if I sit with the feeling, I can put myself back there. Then later, when I was 20 or so, I recall it happening again; when I used to spend weekends in Santa Barbara with my friends.

My weekends in Santa Barbara are some of my fondest memories. If you’ve read previous posts, you know I have a pretty colorful past. Much of that past was fraught with depression, drug use and mayhem. In the midst of my crazy youth, my weekends in Santa Barbara were wonderful. We drank but not to excess, we had lots of fun sex where no one got hurt and we were a fellowship of like minded young people just having fun. There were moments in SB when I would wake up midday after staying up having a blast and that feeling would come to me as I embraced consciousness for the day. My skin would be comfortable, and I would feel safe and connected to those snoring next to me or in other rooms.

I don’t have these moments every year. I can remember some of them as a child, as a waxing adult and in the little apartment where I raised my son.

Recently…maybe 4 or 5 years ago…I started having them again. They have a slight twist now. Not only can I feel the impending Spring but now I am often struck with the feeling of being back in Santa Barbara. Before I even open my eyes, I can feel the day. I can feel the warmer weather and feel the sun getting closer. I can sense that the animals know what I know: that the cold and wet of Winter is going away. I can feel my friends near by. I can sense the closeness that we share is tantamount to bliss for us all. As consciousness comes over me, I am struck with gratitude for the parts of my life that have been joyful and grateful that I can feel these feelings so deeply.

Every day for the last week, I’ve woke with this feeling. Recently at work in the middle of the day, pending Spring and my lovely youth washed over me. I was struck suddenly with a great sense of peace and elation.

All will be well. All is well.