Claiming My Voice: From the darkness, the light emerges.

It had been about 15 years since I’d seen Angus. Still not sure what I’d done to make my son so angry, I always baked a cake for his birthday. This year, as always, I was baking his favorite. Hoping…always hoping that this year he’d come home and there would be his favorite cake and his mother’s love waiting for him.

So it was a bit surprising when the knock came at the door on that late Saturday afternoon. I don’t get many visitors and I definitely don’t get any that come unannounced. Dare I hope it was him? It was with a mix of panic and hope that I left my kitchen chair to go answer. I walked slowly trying to plan my response as not to make him leave again. I didn’t want to be too much (he often told me I was too much). But I also needed him to know how much I’d missed him and how much I love him, and I’d do anything to mend this relationship.

Before I even reached the door, I could hear the giggling. Schoolgirls! Great! My heart sank. Not only was it not Angus, these girls were going to sell me something…or attempt to any way. Or probably some other such nonsense I was completely uninterested in. Imagine my surprise when I opened the door and these two middle aged women stood on my porch laughing like they’d just gotten away with something. They tried unsuccessfully to steady themselves and address me with the respect my age usually affords. They’d stopped giggling but the laughter was still in their eyes; being held in their throats ready to burst.

“Can I help you?” was all I could manage without sounding too annoyed. I really couldn’t imagine what brought them to my door…Not today. The blonde was the first to regain her composure and she, with absolute sincerity said, “We are very sorry to bother you. We have been driving all day and are a bit lost, and our GPS isn’t working.” The red head then chimed in, “And I know this sounds very silly but I’m also craving cake and so if you could point us to a main road that would get us back to the highway, or if you could point us to a diner that might be open and have cake, we would really appreciate it.” She didn’t look high but who decides they need cake in the middle of nowhere when they are lost?

For reasons I couldn’t have told you at the time, I invited them in. “There really isn’t anywhere near by where you can get cake and the highway is at least 45 minutes in the best weather. It looks like its going to rain and I just happen to have a cake in the oven. Please come in. You will need to take your shoes off; I just did the floors.” The two respectfully removed their shoes and followed me into the kitchen. The cake had been in just long enough that the aroma filled the kitchen pleasantly. “I’m Betty,” I told them. The red head announced that she was Suzie and her friend’s name was Gina. Gina explained how they belonged to this club that sometimes took them to gatherings across the state and they got used to taking road trips together. Then they started doing these day drives and drove all over the state every once in a while as an excuse to spend time together. It gave them a chance to catch up with each other and they both loved all the wonderful scenery and experiences Oregon had to offer.

I offered them some of the coffee I still had hot in the decanter from earlier and they both accepted gratefully. Imagine my shock when they both loaded their cups with lots of cream AND sugar. They really were not much different than teenagers. As I poured the coffee, I asked, “When I came to the door, you were both laughing pretty heavily. Can I ask what was so amusing?” Gina piped up first and I could tell Suzie would probably start giggling too much to tell me anything. With a light in her eyes and a wry grin, Gina said, “We knew it was ludicrous knocking on a stranger’s door and so we started thinking of all the replies we might get and the closer we got to your door, the sillier the scenarios got.” Suzie then piped in with a bit of a chuckle and said, “Let’s just say we are glad you had clothes on when you answered the door!”

I looked at my watch and we still had about 10 minutes before the cake was done so I decided to start the frosting. While I gathered the ingredients, the women asked about me…Was I from around here? Was I married? The usual small talk. There was something sincere about these two. They genuinely cared for each other, and when they asked me questions, then listened to my responses attentively. I asked them about the group they had met at that took them about the state. They glanced at one another oddly and Gina finally replied, “We don’t want to bore you will all the details but let’s just say both Suzie and I have pretty colorful pasts and the consequence of those pasts brought us together.” I was curious…of course I was! I had to know so I asked, “Please, I would love to hear more if either are willing to tell me. We still have a few minutes until the cake is done and it still needs to cool. Are either of you willing to share more?”

Suzie took a sip of her coffee flavored cool-aid, took a deep breath and started. “Without getting into the gruesome details, some of the adventures I participated in included traveling with a carnival for a bit, sleeping on park benches and spending time with some amazingly messed up and talented artists.” I looked at her curiously. She seemed too put together to ever have been homeless or a carny and I told her so. Where I come from, people who sleep on park benches or work for carnivals are generally degenerates. “I’m sorry” I said, “but you don’t really seem like someone who would do those things…and it doesn’t really answer my question about what this thing is that got you two gals traveling all over the state.” Gina piped in then. “My past is a bit different than Suzie’s but the ending is pretty much the same. I spent some time in jail. I caused a pretty big accident and people where hurt. I was under the influence of alcohol. That’s how we met. We both had a problem with alcohol and this thing we do helps us stay sober.” Suzie chimed back in, “I couldn’t have this wonderful life without friends like Gina!”

Just then the timer dinged. The two women were smiling at each other as I got up from the table and crossed to the oven. Grabbing the oven mitts, I opened the oven door and pulled out the cake. After I set it on top of the counter to cool, I turned to find Gina stirring the frosting I had started. These two were such a wonder to me. They were both clearly smart and put together. But they were so kind and funny too. They couldn’t possibly be “alcoholic.” My dad was an alcoholic. He died after falling in this same kitchen after coming home drunk one night. And my son was out there somewhere. I hadn’t seen him in over 15 years. He had started drinking in his 20s. After seeing what alcohol had done to my dad, I could only imagine what my son’s life was like. But imagine was all I could do. I had no idea where he was. He hadn’t called me since that fight 15 years ago and no one had seen him around in over 10 years.

I held back the tears as I poured more coffee for the girls. I asked about their families. They both had kids. Gina was happily married. Susie was single but talked about a guy she’d just met with a gleam in her eye. Neither was from Oregon; both transplants that came for the beautiful forests and less hustle-bustle of their home towns. I let their chatter take me away from the sadness I felt about my own family as we frosted the cake.

By the time the cake was ready to serve, we were all chattering like old friends. I found myself surprised at how glad I was these two had showed up at my door. I had started this cake for Angus but sharing it with Gina and Suzie was a fine use of it. Suzie offered to cut the cake and cut us all giant slices while she joked about only living once. Gina poured the last of the coffee and we all sat comfortably around my little kitchen table enjoying Angus’ favorite white cake with orange cream frosting.

As we finished our slices of cake, our conversation slowed realizing our visit was nearing its end. It was getting dark out and these two needed to get home to their families. Besides, Suzie got her cake and Gina got her directions. They had got what they came for.

As for me. I got so much more than I could have imagined I would have when I answered the door 2 hours ago. I got hope. If these two beautiful, amazing women can change their lives, I believe my son can too. I like to believe he is out there somewhere going to one of those meetings these girls met at and he’s getting his life together. Some day, when he’s ready, he’ll come home and we’ll be a family again.

Until then I’ve started to bake a cake every Saturday night. You never know who might knock on your door.