Claiming My Voice: From the darkness, the light emerges.

When Jacob was, I don’t know…maybe 10, I realized the issue with being a single parent: I think every child needs 2 parents because everyone needs someone who will nurture them and love them and tell them every thing is going to be OK no matter what. I think they also need someone who will hold them accountable when they make mistakes. As a single parent (and a human, I suspect), its very hard to be both of these people in any given moment or situation. I suspect that children of single parents often grow up either being raised by a parent who was too permissive (the nurturer) or too strict (the police parent). I can tell you from personal experience, trying to be both was maddening for both Jacob and I. “I love you…AND you don’t get to do that!” Its a hard message to get across.

As an adult having relationships, I think the theory has as much validity as parenting…except that instead of trying to be a single parent trying to be both the nurturer and the police mom, I think we all have roles we tend to play and we all have a mix of folks in our lives that we need to lead balanced lives. I also suspect that if we don’t have balanced relationships, we might feel a wee bit befuddled and not know why. Let me clarify:

My mom and my gramma were my best cheerleaders. I could call either one of them and complain about my boss or some random friend and they would be on my side…always! I felt cared for and heard. Then I have friends who I can call and complain about my boss or another friend and they will ask me what my part is: What I did that got me into that situation or what has me stuck there. We can look at my behavior and I can grow and be a better person. I call people like my gramma and my mom “cheerleaders” and my friends who help me grow “truth tellers.” Cheerleaders are on our side even when we are wrong. Truth tellers don’t let us get away with being an asshole and they help us with love and honesty.

I don’t know about you but I have walked away from some great relationships because I got all righteous and my cheerleaders cheered me on with plenty of “he doesn’t deserve you”s and the like. No one had the courage or decency to point out that I might have been wrong.

Then again, I have beaten myself with all the ways I was wrong and had my army of truth tellers to back me up after making some huge mistake when all I really needed was a perfectly timed hug and “you got this”. These usually ended with me and a bag of chips binge watching Buffy with the dog and cats in the dark.

I suppose part of the challenge is knowing my friends and asking them for what I need when I need it. Anyway…

Now, just like everything else in life, chances are good none of us have a delineated line of friends: IE, these 6 over here are the truth tellers and those 4 are the cheerleaders. Chances are that all our friends are a bit more one than the other but not 100% one or the other all the time. I tend to be more of a truth teller and I am working on looking for more opportunities for being a cheerleader: I assume everyone wants to grow and it turns out that not everyone does, so I’m watching for clues to see what people want from me instead of what I think they need. I am always looking to try to be a better person so I assume everyone else is too. That just isn’t the case. So here I go, trying to be a better person. I’ll let you know how it goes 😉

So what do you think? Do you think you are more of a cheerleader or a truth teller? Do you think you tend to have more friends that are cheerleaders or truth tellers? What do you think you need more of?