Claiming My Voice: From the darkness, the light emerges.

First I dated Ryan. God he was beautiful. Tall, dark and brooding. He was highly intelligent and charming. It’s really too bad because he knew he was all these things. I say we dated. Mostly we got loaded and had sex. He had the best drugs. He came from money.

One night while Ryan and I were “dating,” Ryan and some other friends of ours (Damien and Samuel) invited me over to watch a concert on TV. I had one drink…

Some time later, I recall fuzzily waking to Samuel on top of me; inside me. Ryan was next to me cooing in my ear that everything was OK. When I told Samuel to get off me, Ryan told me it was him and to just relax. I yelled that I knew it wasn’t him and everything went black again. There were grey moments that night but nothing I could hold onto: Like a dream that fades minutes after waking. The next morning I woke pissed. I confronted the guys and they promised they had not done what I thought they did. It was befogged enough that I bought their story.

Two years later I met a gal. She told me about a guy she dated who told her the story of what they’d done to another girl. Verbatim she told my story. Then she told me the guy’s name. It was Damien, one of the guys at the party.

A few years later, I dated Damien. Damien was cute enough and had the same ego Ryan had. I love a guy with confidence. Sadly, confidence and arrogance look the same before you get to know someone. I think Damien genuinely liked me. Even knowing what he had been part of, I lacked the self esteem to not stay away from people I couldn’t trust.

After the conversation with that girl, I shut down about all this. I can’t say I blocked it out, but I didn’t emotionally or really consciously acknowledge that it happed which helps me understand how I could have dated Damien even after knowing what he’d been a part of.

One night in my 30s while having sex with my then boyfriend, it all came flooding back and the reality hit me. A guy I had trusted and his friends, who I had also trusted, had drugged me and took turns with me. I immediately pushed my boyfriend off me and started sobbing. The betrayal and pain of that event flooded my being. How could they have done that? I trusted them. How could I have then dated Damien? What kind of piece of shit was I?

That man laid with me and just held me while I cried. He didn’t even ask why. He was just warm and kind and present.

I cried for about half an hour and then I heard a voice in my head (I will periodically refer to this voice in my posts…I’ve heard it plenty…for now we’ll call it the voice of the Great Spirit). That voice said, “You once gave me your life. This event is part of that life you released to me. It is my burden to bear. It is no longer yours.”

The grief and anger…the feelings of betrayal and self hatred about that night melted off me. My tears stopped and I felt suddenly OK. That day I was able to face what had happened and let it go. I hold no animosity towards those young men. I forgave them. I forgave me.

I have shared this story with others who have had similar experiences and in those moments both of us have felt a little less alone. I have watched as their pain turns to hope: Hope that one day, the ugly past will not have the hold on them as it does that day and that is why I write: To not feel alone and to help others who may be feeling alone.

Note: To protect their anonymity, the names have been changed.