Claiming My Voice: From the darkness, the light emerges.

I am an avid dreamer. What I mean by that is that I am one of those people who dreams a lot and often remembers my dreams. When I wake up and I have been dreaming, I am usually feeling pretty euphoric. Even if it’s a “bad” dream and I wake up scared or angry, underneath that is some kind of serotonin rush. Needless to say this leads me to loving sleep… not because I love sleep but it is the only conduit to dream.

For most of my life I have had some similar dreams. They entail me escaping. Sometimes I know what I am running from: a bad guy they announce has escaped from prison, an animal who has escaped from the zoo etc. Sometimes I don’t know what I am running from: I just know I (or we) have to escape. These dreams are sometimes sort of post apocalyptic: the houses are in ruin and there is no police or military to keep us safe. I am almost always moving from room to room or building to building in an attempt to hide. About half of these types of dreams include children. I am put in charge of protecting them or I have come across them and take them with me in my escape.

Sometimes I can fly in these dreams. I never fly in other dreams; only in my escape dreams. I take off like Superman…I run and then jump and get airborne. I don’t know about Superman, but when I fly I am actually just letting the air move me between currents. If I want to go higher, I have to jump to the next level of currents. (I am writing this on an airplane which is what spurred me to jot this down … we are hitting a touch of turbulence and I imagine we are just crossing currents.) I digress.

So these escape dreams … I have been having them since I was a teenager (I am in my mid 50s now). I don’t have them any more. What stopped them was this:

About 4 years ago I was having an escape dream. I don’t recall all the details but it was the usual Karla escape dream. I am running from some unknown enemy and then it changed! I suddenly am out in the open and I can feel “them” hot on my heels. They are shouting and calling my name and then they catch me. I can still feel the woman’s hand on my shoulder and I am caught! I stop and she turns me around to face the group. Now I am not saying it was Janeane Garofalo but the woman who led the group could be likened to her in that silly super hero movie, Mystery Men. And she’s with this team of other super hero’s (most have capes on). She is beaming and says, “I am so glad we finally caught you! We have been trying for so long!” I look at her puzzled and she tells me that I am one of them and I just don’t know it. They have been after me so that I can join them and be who I really am.

I woke with that same lovely feeling I get from dreaming but there was something added. No. Something was removed. When people used to give me compliments, I would say “thank you” but secretly I knew I didn’t deserve them. Either they were just being nice or they clearly didn’t know me better. I used to play small because I believed that I didn’t belong here and I just wanted to stay out of the way so I wouldn’t get in yours. Whatever was in me that made me feel like that faded into the background. It used to be the pilot (to keep with the flying theme) but now it’s a passenger in coach.

I still dream…a LOT. I no longer am running or hiding in my dreams. Today my dreams are pretty garden variety. I do miss flying though. Maybe my subconscious will find new reasons to fly.