Claiming My Voice: From the darkness, the light emerges.

Gramma was what I can only define as asexual. She never…NEVER…talked about sex except to say, “Boys only want one thing!” Little did she know her drilling that into my head didn’t stop me from having sex. In fact, once I realized I wanted the attention of boys, I also realized I had the thing they wanted. Mom, on the other hand, dated. I don’t recall thinking or knowing she had sex but I know she dated and had a few boy friends. Gramma didn’t date that I know of. She was devoted to her family. And honestly, I think she had been so hurt that she gave up. Unlike mom who never gave up. I think both of them thought sex was dirty and only men liked it…but that we, as good women, were required to give it to them in exchange for safety and love.

So one cannot wonder at the fact that I have had my share of sex issues. A fatherless girl: Constantly looking for love and security. No one to role model a healthy relationship. So yep, I fucked a lot of guys. I truly believed that if I was good enough in bed, one of them would love me. For years I thought I just wanted love. Today I know I was looking for security too. Some crazy part of me believed I would only be safe in the presence of a man and I can only get a man’s presence if I had sex with him. I know better now but it took years.

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Its not uncommon that I never met my dad. In the 70s it seemed fairly unique in the community I grew up in and I had mixed feelings: I kind of liked being different and there was some shame for our family name…I knew I was a “bastard”. Today, deadbeat dads are common. But that is not fair. Sure my dad knew I existed but since my mom had told him to stay away, I can’t say I blame him for doing just that. It doesn’t stop the hurt. Knowing doesn’t make me feel any more loved by the man I never met.

He died in 1977. I would have been 10. I didn’t find out that he was no longer on the planet, or when and how he died until 2021. The minute I found out he had died, I felt his love and his profound absence. That didn’t stop the 54 years of feeling unworthy, unsure and unsafe. (There is another post about this coming soon-ish)

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This is the first in my “Sex, Love and Relationships” series of posts. Some of the coming posts are going to be sweet and thoughtful. Others are going to be hard. I will try to warn you up front is a post is of the “hard” variety (and by hard I mean intense and/or vulgar).

My great hope is that in reading these, someone will relate and feel less alone. If you don’t relate, that is ok. We all come from different experiences and different beliefs.

Blessed Be